Like every other instance of vaguely subversive youth culture, text slang and internet jokes are now the property of people who want to sell you breakfast cereal and pasta sauce. One sub-Reddit called /r/FellowKids is dedicated to tracking all of these nauseating attempts at internet youthfulness.
This is how corporate American is hoping to co-opt tween America in an unbearable attempt to be down:
Seamless dredges up ancient memes for the New York subway
Popular deformed pet Grumpy Cat shills for McDonald's
Hey, the Pop-Tart robot almost talks the way my friends and I text
"Bae" is a cancer unto itself
There's a brilliant Twitter account called @BrandsSayingBae that exists only to chronicle faceless corporations using the word:
This is straight out of Don Draper's playbook. pic.twitter.com/8U5CrGKPEj
— Brands Saying Bae (@BrandsSayingBae) January 7, 2015
How fleek is IHOP? Greetings, Fleeksters. It's me, Funky Papa Pancake, here to rap steady.
Denny's, a chain of racist diners that serve disgusting hog grease buckets to unhealthy people, is probably the worst offender:
after a long week of sküle, george glass kicks back with a tropical smüthie from dennys
— Denny's (@DennysDiner) January 17, 2015
There is literally nothing so stupid or shameful that the person who runs @DennysDiner will not tweet it. This butcher's assistant to the bloody dismemberment of all meaning is beyond even the small breath of pity you might summon for "person who runs @DennysDiner"; its existence is the worst thing on the internet, even worse than a meal at Denny's.
Worse even than its howls into the empty carcass of value is their echo: Denny's has over 170,000 Twitter followers, and each wet turd that slips from its cyber-cheeks receives hundreds of favorites and retweets. We get the advertising we deserve. We deserve garbage.