Kirk Cameron, God’s chosen actor, knows that the heavenly father is real because no one’s ever seen a half-crocodile, half-duck called a Crocoduck, though that is most likely because Kirk Cameron made it up. But what if the Crocoduck were real, and what if it put its foot-long Crockoduck penis in Kirk Cameron’s willing mouth? That’s the premise of an erotic novella that you can buy for a buck on Amazon.

Mandy De Sandra’s Kirk Cameron & The Crocoduck of Chaos Magick is a 7,500-word tale of revenge that skewers Cameron’s anti-gay, anti-evolution agenda by having him give a Crocoduck a blowjob and fuck a morphing Jesus made out of cheese right in its cheesy stigmata-holes. (Two Boner Stabones from Growing Pains, also made out of cheese, watch the scene while they 69 each other.)

This crucial passage is representative of what you can expect from the rest of the book:

“Kirk could barely hear Jesus as he continued fellating the Crocoduck. The creature of Chaos Magick was quack-moaning in ecstasy. Kirk was amazed at his deep-throating ability.


Jesus smiled and looked down at Cameron full of Crocoduck cock. “My disciples said cheese made them blocked, but I will show you Kirk that the right kind of cheese can open a man up.” Jesus took his white robe of cheese off his body and showed his erection.


Jesus spread apart Kirk’s butt cheeks and put his cheesy dick deep in Cameron’s asshole.”

After Cameron indulges in a lactic orgy with Chaos Magick Cheese Jesus, he’s compelled to kill the gay teen whose Chaos Sex Magick spell started the whole thing—and he does. But then the real Jesus appears and condemns Cameron to hell, revealing that Cheese Jesus was secretly Satan all along. Oh, and the Crocoduck is Satan’s son.

And hell involved being swallowed up by a mountain-sized Crockoduck’s anus, which is how the freakish hybrid creature consumes souls.

Mandy De Sandra told Vocativ she’s not particularly worried about Cameron suing her over her creative revenge fantasy.

“Kirk is too busy making bad movies and writing lame Facebook posts,” she said, “If he tries to sue me, well, he can be my guest. It will probably be good for both of our careers.”

The book is currently ranked #45 in Amazon’s gay erotica category, with one reviewer describing it as “the most approachable Kirk Cameron role in some time.”

[h/t Vocativ]